Can we have it all?

This post ended up being a bit longer than I anticipated, so please bear with me. I would love to know your thoughts.

Can women have it all? I've pondered this question too many times to count in my 42 years. As a young girl I wasn't sure. My mother worked full time. She was not a stay-at-home mom. She worked full time because she had to, just as her mother before her. For most of my youth she worked in various unfulfilling jobs. She waited tables, she worked desk jobs for an insurance company -- whatever she could do to bring money into our household. Eventually my parents started their own business and she worked for the family business. This gave her some type of fulfillment despite the stress involved in running a business. She's recently retired and has discovered homemaking. Trust me when I say, this was not something she put a lot of time and effort into when I was young. She seems to enjoy this shift. She searches the Internet for new recipes, bakes cookies, plans social gatherings -- and she seems very fulfilled.

My mother always stressed the importance going to college. In my ongoing psychological analysis of her I believe her lack of a college diploma has been her biggest regret. You see my mother was quite the student in high school. In 1964 she was the class Salutatorian and the winner of the annual "I Dare You" award. But she grew up in a small Midwestern town where work and the ability to support yourself were admired, in some ways much more than college at the time. She attended college briefly, but then moved west to California to work and, like most women of her generation, married at the age of 19. Her life was not without adventure along the way, but she never did get that degree.

I never considered skipping the college route. In true Midwestern fashion, my family didn't really discuss the reasons why I had to go to college, I just knew it was expected. Luckily for me and my mother, I wanted to go and did so without any resistance. During college I thought I could rule the world. There were no limitations. I was sure I would have it all! I would go to grad school, save the nation's educational system, marry Mr. Right, have 2.5 kids and be a role model. What I didn't know is that I might not be able to have it all at the same time. That I might need to reassess what I wanted to have at various points in my life along the way.

I went on to grad school, got married, found a fast paced job with opportunity for advancement and then..... I had my first child. For awhile I worked full-time outside of the home, supported my husband while he finished law school and felt totally overwhelmed with the burdens of motherhood. My mother was not June Cleaver, but I realized soon after my daughter's birth that I secretly wished I had June as my mom growing up! And, more importantly, I wanted to be there for my daughter. As soon as my husband finished law school, I left my job, despite an offer to take a high level position and decided to become a stay-at-home mom.

My years as a stay-at-home mom were challenging. Raising young children is always challenging, regardless of whether you work outside of the home or not. I did it for 10 years and I don't regret it. My kids gained a lot from my time at home. But somewhere along the way, I lost a little bit of myself. I immersed myself in the local parent groups. Became involved in town politics. Served as a Girl Scout leader. Coached soccer. Learned about every type of craft imaginable... But I knew that someday I'd have to go back to work.

At first I was resistant. I didn't want to go from being at home 24/7 to working 60 hours a week. Finding a fulfilling job with "mother's hours" is difficult and I was completely out of the loop in my old profession. I couldn't even get an interview for most jobs. When I did get an interview, the large gap in my resume would always be noticed and I'd be asked if I'd be willing to work whenever the job required, despite the part-time advertisement. In the end I got my real estate license mainly because of the flexibility. I was not alone. A large number of my female colleagues selected real estate and have chosen to stick with it because of the flexibility.

Do I love my job? At times. Do I hate my job? Often. Is it fulfilling? Yes, when I actually get a paycheck (not easy to come by in this economy). But there is a part of me that longs for something else. I'd love to go back to school, but I have a daughter leaving for college in a little more than a year -- I can't afford for both of us to be in school. In terms of finding another career, I look all the time, but this is not the best of times for a career change. Just as my 10 year "mommy gap" made it difficult to find employment, my 6 years as a realtor is making it difficult for me to be taken seriously for more intellectually oriented jobs.

This past weekend, I attended my husband's 15 year law school reunion. I will state up front, I did not really want to go. The thought of hanging out with a bunch of lawyers and their spouses for the weekend sounded like torture. One of the reasons I did not want to go the reunion was a feeling of inadequacy. I was sure that I couldn't compete with the women in his class with their successful law careers and beautifully put together cocktail attire. What would we have in common? Little did I know that we would have a lot in common.

In the end, we had a great time at the reunion. (Maybe I was being a bit too harsh with my initial reaction.) The most interesting part of the weekend was my realization that a large percentage of the women in my husband's class are not working. You may not be shocked by this, but I was. These are very high achieving women. They attended an Ivy League law school after obtaining degrees from some of the most prestigious colleges and universities in the country. Many were on Law Review. One of the women was #2 in the class and received several academic awards at graduation.

The main reason for this phenomenon is children. My husband and I had our first child while he was in law school. Our children are 16 and 12 respectively. Most of his classmates, on the other hand, started having children just a few years ago. They are at the point we were at 10 years ago. I was actually a bit relieved to hear that I was not a freak. Other intelligent women have chosen to leave the work force! But then I began to think about the implications. Is this the norm? Can women have it all? The good news for the law school women? You have a law degree from a top 10 school. The bad news? You may not want to go back to work for several more years and by then your needs and wants might change.

After the reunion dinner I found myself giving advice to a few of the women. I felt like the wise elder reassuring these women that when they were ready to go back to work they could count on their law degree to ease the way all the while wondering where my own life would be headed.

Upon further reflection I wondered is this more common today than 10 or 20 years ago? If so, why? Is it cyclical? Do our daughters always want to be the opposite of their mothers? If so, can women ever feel totally fulfilled. I surely don't have all answers and would love some guidance!