School's Out for Summer!

Today is the last day of school. Many parents dread this day, but I look forward to the lazy days of summer with my kids. What I do not like is the end of the school year craziness that makes me want to pull my hair out each year. It starts about 4 to 6 weeks before the last day of school and continues until the very end, and sometimes a little beyond.

Those of you groaning know exactly what I'm talking about. The end of the year is filled with band and chorus concerts, school plays, projects, tests, awards ceremonies, end of the year field trips, parties, recitals, sports tournaments, graduations.... the list goes on. This of course requires mom (I know this is a generalization) running around like a chicken with her head cut off planning activities, buying last minute items for classroom parties, frantically searching for white poster board, buying teacher gifts and making cheese platters for receptions. The worst words heard by a mom the last week of school "I forgot to tell you but I need (fill in the blank) by tomorrow."

The end result of all this? One day you just stop volunteering yourself, your cheese platters, and your time. I used to be the "go-to" volunteer mom -- PTO president, classroom parent, event organizer. It sucked the life out of me. For a long time I thrived on it, but once I had a chance to stop for what I thought was a brief period of time, I just never really went back to it. That is not to say that I won't occasionally volunteer, but I don't go out of my way to get involved. I know this makes me sound like a bad mother. Research shows that schools with high levels of parental involvement have higher levels of student success. But my time away from the volunteer craziness these last couple years has given me time to reflect on whether we moms, mainly suburban moms, take this parental involvement thing to an extreme?

Case in point: A couple years ago my son's 3rd grade teacher emailed the room parents to ask for help getting some snack donations. She planned to let the kids go outside on the second to last day of school for some extra recess time and thought it would be nice to have some refreshments while enjoying some generally unstructured time outdoors. A few of the moms got wind of this and wanted to plan activities around this "free" time. By the time all was said and done the moms had planned an hour of t-shirt making, baseball and Popsicles all run in stations with 20 minutes shifts. What was wrong with an hour of free time? Kids are already psyched about the end of the school year and the opportunity to go out and play for an extra hour. They don't need their moms to make it memorable.

Another example: The Junior class at my daughter's high school traditionally sends off the Senior class with a breakfast the morning of graduation. These are very mature, well organized 16 and 17 year olds, capable of organizing a breakfast of bagels and orange juice, right? Of course not! The moms have taken over. The Junior class moms organize a huge breakfast complete with donations from all 350 families. This year the pressure was on to have a breakfast just as spectacular as the one the year before. Nothing like a little competitive spirit to make an event memorable! My daughter, a Junior, did not even know about the breakfast or the tradition. So much for the thought coming from the Juniors themselves. I wonder if the graduating Seniors even noticed the quality of the smorgasborg before them?

I'm not an uncaring, cold mom. I'd dare say I'm the opposite. But as much as I want to be involved in my children's schools, I don't want to take over their school experience. Our kids need our support, but we can't plan each and every memory they will have in school. Most likely their fondest childhood memories will not be the ones we planned. They might remember the time they worked really hard on a project they completed ON THEIR OWN and the good grade they received as a result. Or the teacher who helped them through a tough time. Or the friendships they made. Of course they will also remember the Science Fairs, Cultural Nights and Math Nights organized by they PTO, but they will remember those nights most fondly if mom was not stressed to to the point of exhaustion from the planning to enjoy those nights too.

A Woman's Work ... 1930's take on the woman's role

I love these old movie shorts. I especially love that women "had to face death to bring children into the world". A bit chauvinistic? Perhaps, but if you listen carefully, the clips starts out praising women for the work and skill required for good housekeeping and childcare.

Can we have it all?

This post ended up being a bit longer than I anticipated, so please bear with me. I would love to know your thoughts.

Can women have it all? I've pondered this question too many times to count in my 42 years. As a young girl I wasn't sure. My mother worked full time. She was not a stay-at-home mom. She worked full time because she had to, just as her mother before her. For most of my youth she worked in various unfulfilling jobs. She waited tables, she worked desk jobs for an insurance company -- whatever she could do to bring money into our household. Eventually my parents started their own business and she worked for the family business. This gave her some type of fulfillment despite the stress involved in running a business. She's recently retired and has discovered homemaking. Trust me when I say, this was not something she put a lot of time and effort into when I was young. She seems to enjoy this shift. She searches the Internet for new recipes, bakes cookies, plans social gatherings -- and she seems very fulfilled.

My mother always stressed the importance going to college. In my ongoing psychological analysis of her I believe her lack of a college diploma has been her biggest regret. You see my mother was quite the student in high school. In 1964 she was the class Salutatorian and the winner of the annual "I Dare You" award. But she grew up in a small Midwestern town where work and the ability to support yourself were admired, in some ways much more than college at the time. She attended college briefly, but then moved west to California to work and, like most women of her generation, married at the age of 19. Her life was not without adventure along the way, but she never did get that degree.

I never considered skipping the college route. In true Midwestern fashion, my family didn't really discuss the reasons why I had to go to college, I just knew it was expected. Luckily for me and my mother, I wanted to go and did so without any resistance. During college I thought I could rule the world. There were no limitations. I was sure I would have it all! I would go to grad school, save the nation's educational system, marry Mr. Right, have 2.5 kids and be a role model. What I didn't know is that I might not be able to have it all at the same time. That I might need to reassess what I wanted to have at various points in my life along the way.

I went on to grad school, got married, found a fast paced job with opportunity for advancement and then..... I had my first child. For awhile I worked full-time outside of the home, supported my husband while he finished law school and felt totally overwhelmed with the burdens of motherhood. My mother was not June Cleaver, but I realized soon after my daughter's birth that I secretly wished I had June as my mom growing up! And, more importantly, I wanted to be there for my daughter. As soon as my husband finished law school, I left my job, despite an offer to take a high level position and decided to become a stay-at-home mom.

My years as a stay-at-home mom were challenging. Raising young children is always challenging, regardless of whether you work outside of the home or not. I did it for 10 years and I don't regret it. My kids gained a lot from my time at home. But somewhere along the way, I lost a little bit of myself. I immersed myself in the local parent groups. Became involved in town politics. Served as a Girl Scout leader. Coached soccer. Learned about every type of craft imaginable... But I knew that someday I'd have to go back to work.

At first I was resistant. I didn't want to go from being at home 24/7 to working 60 hours a week. Finding a fulfilling job with "mother's hours" is difficult and I was completely out of the loop in my old profession. I couldn't even get an interview for most jobs. When I did get an interview, the large gap in my resume would always be noticed and I'd be asked if I'd be willing to work whenever the job required, despite the part-time advertisement. In the end I got my real estate license mainly because of the flexibility. I was not alone. A large number of my female colleagues selected real estate and have chosen to stick with it because of the flexibility.

Do I love my job? At times. Do I hate my job? Often. Is it fulfilling? Yes, when I actually get a paycheck (not easy to come by in this economy). But there is a part of me that longs for something else. I'd love to go back to school, but I have a daughter leaving for college in a little more than a year -- I can't afford for both of us to be in school. In terms of finding another career, I look all the time, but this is not the best of times for a career change. Just as my 10 year "mommy gap" made it difficult to find employment, my 6 years as a realtor is making it difficult for me to be taken seriously for more intellectually oriented jobs.

This past weekend, I attended my husband's 15 year law school reunion. I will state up front, I did not really want to go. The thought of hanging out with a bunch of lawyers and their spouses for the weekend sounded like torture. One of the reasons I did not want to go the reunion was a feeling of inadequacy. I was sure that I couldn't compete with the women in his class with their successful law careers and beautifully put together cocktail attire. What would we have in common? Little did I know that we would have a lot in common.

In the end, we had a great time at the reunion. (Maybe I was being a bit too harsh with my initial reaction.) The most interesting part of the weekend was my realization that a large percentage of the women in my husband's class are not working. You may not be shocked by this, but I was. These are very high achieving women. They attended an Ivy League law school after obtaining degrees from some of the most prestigious colleges and universities in the country. Many were on Law Review. One of the women was #2 in the class and received several academic awards at graduation.

The main reason for this phenomenon is children. My husband and I had our first child while he was in law school. Our children are 16 and 12 respectively. Most of his classmates, on the other hand, started having children just a few years ago. They are at the point we were at 10 years ago. I was actually a bit relieved to hear that I was not a freak. Other intelligent women have chosen to leave the work force! But then I began to think about the implications. Is this the norm? Can women have it all? The good news for the law school women? You have a law degree from a top 10 school. The bad news? You may not want to go back to work for several more years and by then your needs and wants might change.

After the reunion dinner I found myself giving advice to a few of the women. I felt like the wise elder reassuring these women that when they were ready to go back to work they could count on their law degree to ease the way all the while wondering where my own life would be headed.

Upon further reflection I wondered is this more common today than 10 or 20 years ago? If so, why? Is it cyclical? Do our daughters always want to be the opposite of their mothers? If so, can women ever feel totally fulfilled. I surely don't have all answers and would love some guidance!

Moving On?

It's tough to admit now, but I voted for John Edwards in the 2008 primary. In 2004 I found him a bit annoying -- too canned, too much of a pretty boy -- but by 2008 I found myself drawn to his populist style. I had convinced myself that he was not another Bill Clinton, despite the similarities. You see, I was never a big Clinton fan, despite my liberal political leanings. I don't trust philandering political types. I know from personal experience, they can lie to your face and you believe every word. By the time you realize that you've been deceived you just end up feeling empty and stupid.

I was just beginning to recover from my John Edwards mistake -- a new administration, a feeling of hope for the future -- when Elizabeth Edwards resurfaced with her Oprah interview. It's been downright painful to watch. What on Earth are they thinking? By "they", I mean John and Elizabeth Edwards and those closest to them. Hasn't the woman suffered enough? Does she have to add public humiliation to her fight with cancer? All to sell books?! I don't want to understand how the entire affair/lying to their constituents episode transpired. I want to move on and so should the Edwards family.

To Elizabeth Edwards: I know you're a strong woman, but let this rest. Take whatever time you have left and enjoy that time with your children, not on talk shows reliving the details of your husband's affair. Your husband betrayed you and you need not be subjected to further humiliation because of his bad behavior.

To John Edwards: Shame on you. For lying those worked tirelessly and devoted their time and money to your campaign. For dragging your family through a campaign that was bound to end badly at a time when they needed you present. AND, finally, for not keeping it in your pants. Yes, affairs are painful and yes, they they humiliating when a spouse has to deal with them in the public arena.

It's time to move on.

"Real" Beauty

I have no idea what's real anymore. People on TV, in magazines, in sports, in the local grocery store. We have become a society so altered by cosmetic surgery, Botox, Restylane and steroids I don't know who's real and who's not. That actress that I so admired for her natural beauty? Botox, tummy tuck and a boob job. That athlete that my son thinks is the greatest? Steroids. The dazzling mom from my daughter's school? Restylane and 5 hours a week in the salon.

Case in point, beauty contests, like them or not, have become plastic surgery contests. Years ago these contests were about poise, grace, intelligence and, yes, also beauty. But now contestants have ribs removed, eye brows lifted, breast enhanced. What are we really judging?

We have become a world of constructed beauty and perfection. It's not enough to have a lovely smile, beautiful eyes or a natural athletic ability, we now have to push all these things to their extreme. Your skin has to be smoother, your tummy tighter, your breasts perkier, you have to run faster, be stronger, look younger..... there is no end to this. You are never going to be good enough. And what messages are we sending to young boys and girls? In some cases we're dragging them into the insanity. Girls getting bikini waxing at age 12. Boys with personal trainers at age 10. What are we thinking?

I'm not opposed to people wanting to look good and strive toward an achievement. I am myself a Type A personality. But at what point do we say "ENOUGH"! The negative long term effects of this obsession with perfection are already evident. Many of our favorite "pretty" actresses don't look so pretty anymore. With their expressionless foreheads and pumped up lips, they look freakish! The athletes we so admired for their achievements have left us feeling disappointed and empty. In the future as we learn more about who did and did not use chemical enhancements, who will remain to honor in our Hall of Fames?

In my perfect world we would take this view on the things that really count. Knowledge, learning, exploring ideas, helping others. If we put half as much energy in improving our performance in these area, who knows what the world might look like. We might not be as "beautiful" but we might be more real.

For The Love of God, Eat Something!

Why do women pick at their food when they eat in public? I find this so frustrating. I went to a luncheon the other day and realized that I was the only one eating my food. Not a huge meal -- a little soup, a green salad with chicken and a small chocolate dessert. I ate every last piece of lettuce on my main course and then noticed I was the only one that ate all my food. The chicken salad was good and the portion was not huge. Then it was time for desert. My friend even said to me, "This is my favorite dessert! This place is know for it." Did anyone eat all their dessert? Of course not. This time I gave into peer pressure and left a bit of my molten chocolate cake on my plate. I went home feeling insecure and hungry!

I enjoy a good meal, especially with good company. My family always mixes food with gatherings, as does the family I married into. I enjoy eating and although I'm not a size 2, I feel comfortable in my own skin. That is until I gather with other women in Suburbia and begin to question everything. My hair, my clothes, my makeup, my body, my eating habits.

After a little time and further reflection I realize that my feelings of inadequacy are ridiculous. I'm happy and healthy and eating the lunch that I paid for is okay. So if you're one of these women that picks at her food in public, please stop! Let's not create yet another generation of girls with eating disorders by modeling unhealthy behavior. Our daughters need to know that they're beautiful they way they are and can enjoy a nice dinner with family or friends without the fear of being judged if they eat with gusto. Yes, we want them to make healthy food choices but what we don't want is for them to be fearful of actually enjoying the food on their plate. So next time you're at a restaurant, take a big bite of your pasta and REALLY enjoy. It's okay. No one is going to gasp in horror at the fact that you're actually eating.

Cat Fight

When intelligent, high profile women choose to make a point by going off subject and attacking another woman's weight, I want to scream. Recently, Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John McCain, wrote an article for The Daily Beast criticizing Ann Coulter and the extreme right of the Republican Party. In response to this article and a subsequent appearance by McCain on the Rachel Maddow Show, Laura Ingraham attacked McCain on her radio show by referring to her as a "plus size model" and poking fun at her "youthful" manner of speaking. This then escalated when McCain appeared on The View and told Ingraham to "kiss my fat ass".

Why can't we, as women, have reasonable debates without attacking one another's appearance? It does nothing to advance our assertion. Moreover, we aren't taken seriously. You don't hear men making snide comments about their opponent's baldness or girth.

Meghan McCain is not fat and that was the assertion made in Ingraham's comment – despite Ingraham's most recent back-pedaling on the issue. What if she was heavier? What would her weight have to do with any of her views on the Republican Party or Ann Coulter's divisive rantings? What does a woman's weight or beauty have to do with her ability to start an intelligent debate? Does the value of one's perspective lessen with each pound of excess weight?

I'll be honest -- I don't like Ann Coulter. I find her annoying and not particularly intelligent. She makes most of her points by talking over those she debates. Prior to this week's debate, I had no opinion of Meghan McCain. Now? I'm a bit intrigued and willing to hear more of what she has to say. As far as Laura Ingraham is concerned, before this debate, I found her, despite her conservative views, to be tolerable. Most of the time I didn't agree with her, but I was willing to listen to what she had to say. That is until this incident. I'm insulted by her comments about McCain, but I am more insulted by her use of weight as a distraction from the issue at hand.

Yes, Ms. McCain does not have the "experience" of others in the world of political commentary, but she's only 24. This should not be reason in and of itself to dismiss her views. Young women need to be encouraged to put their thoughts out there. Over time, their ideas will evolve and, perhaps, change. What we should NOT do is stifle their opinions in a dismissive manner and make fun of their weight and youth.